Bushwhacking In America

It is actually not possible, to bushwhack in America.

That’s the one thing, that they never prepare you for.

United States especially, are new, and the wild animals are still wild.

In Europe, a Squirrel is your friend, in the US, you are seen as an interesting nuisance.

You are beneath the squirrels, and no amount of little snacks will ever change their mind.

I fed them enough Peanuts, to make cashier ladies wonder, if maybe I was a squirrel myself.

With everything I’ve done for them the local squirrels, still see me as weakling.

I actually stopped buying them peanuts, because I got tired of feeling inadequate.

When I am tired after the gym, and take an extra moment to stretch my legs in the the car.

They line up on the parking lot fence, and just judge me, from above.

But the squirrels aren’t even the big problem, it is the skunks.

The American Skunk shoots a mist of spray, straight out of its butt, at anybody…

And I mean anybody, who comes even remotely close.

And since they come out after dark, and are dark.

You cannot help, but to get too close.

They only leave you with one option, stay home, after it gets dark.

And before you ask, no, you can’t outsmart a skunk.

They evolved for the same amount of time we did, and their butts are as powerful as our brains.

If you take a flashlight out there, in hopes of avoiding a skunk.

They’ll just run straight at ya, but first...

With an attitude that says "let me show you something shiny", and spray in the direction of the light you are holding.

Several of my neighbors, were attacked this year.

And none of them really recovered, each smells strangely sweetly, now.

And no amount of perfume can undo the undertone, in fact, perfume only enhances the smell.

Apparently an entire family, got chased out of their house, once.

As a skunk followed their dog home, and found the walls, furniture and their attitude, not to its liking.

It opened up like a fire hose, they sold everything, including their dog, and immigrated.

I recently saw, who I suspect was an older woman, sprinting home, holding onto her hair.

She sounded like a Chewbaka in heat, and I knew instantly it was a fat bat.

She hasn't sprinted that fast since 1965, but let me tell yo something, that bat was barely hanging on.

The bats were particularly bad this year, they just blindly fly in circles until they stick to someones head.

I hear that is why they wear hats in Texas, the last thing you need is a bad hair day.

My personal problem is with the deer, I always thought of them very sweetly.

But early this year a beautiful one, came into the neighborhood as I was eating a fig.

In all the excitement and confusion, I dropped the fig.

And decided it was a sign that I should deliver it, to the beautiful dear.

I got within the range, and, and feeling that I might get poked.

I threw the fig the rest of the way, and it got close enough for the deer to notice.

But animals don’t thin the way we do, they don’t know what sharing, or even clumsiness is.

What the deer saw was a scantly dressed plump man, bolt out of his house.

With a jiggly butt, that signaled “Always Hungry“.

And a rock in his hand, that signaled – a fight to the death.

Two creatures enter, one creature leaves.

I am not the type of a person who is serious enough, to fight wild animals.

And would probably die, trying to ride it, to show all my neighbors that I am one with nature.

The deer has visited me every couple of weeks since, most recently with his kids.

And it is always the same, they come close I get scared, and then they stare.

I feel like, the father is teaching his kids, what a dumb ass looks like.

The worst thing is, that he eventually found the fig, so he knows that I was just being nice to him.