The First Night In The Woods, Or Why Grandpa Don't Like No Scary Movies

You know that scary horror movie you saw as a child?
it's coming back the moment you set your foot in the wild.

I know "Ha ha" - you say,
but just wait until the end of day.

Alf, Oompa-Loompas, Aliens, Gremlins, The Freaking Omen,
that giant from the Goonies, along with the gigantic woman...

...even the Jaws' shark,
will show up the moment it gets dark.

If it's quiet,
it will sound like a riot.

As you can hear them tiptoeing your way,
and there is nothing you can do or say.

The only way to get through the night,
is just going to sleep clutching your flashlight.

And you better hhhhhope that your bathroom tent is not too far away,
unless you want to meet Chucky, from Child's Play.

Just the moment you calm you heartbeat,
you remember snakes are drawn to heat.

Let me tell you, if you see a puff adder in Michigan,
you'll be lyke "I am never camping again.".

But don't worry, they are only mildly toxic when they bite,
that's assuming that Wikipedia is right.

And if not the snakes; then the spiders come out at night,
because they are attracted to your light.

They are the color of sand,
so you won't see them on land.

Unless you have a good flashlight and shine on their shiny butts,
sometimes you find so many, it's nuts.

But the most frightening thing are the woodland creatures,
as each has very deadly features.

The bald eagle has very sharp claws,
and will try to gently touch your head, just because.

Bats don't actually get stuck in you hair,
they just land there, to lick them like crazy, I swear.

Deer have antlers that are actually super sticky,
if you stick to one, things get tricky.

I once heard a story about a hawk,
that crashed into a car like a rock.

To this day, I kick myself that I didn't say,
"HOW HAWKWARD" as that would have been a much better day.

By far the worst animals are the Bobcat and The Owl,
one will Hoot Hoot and the other GrowleEEEEEEEEEEeE

The Bobcat,
will try to bite you in the butt.

In their culture that is a show of affection,
and it's hard to deny that they make a connection.

The owl, looking down from up in the air,
gets seriously confused about balding mens' hair.

Unless the man has a hat,
the owls will think that it is a plump rat.

And with great fanfare,
they will swoop down, and rip and tear.

Halloween especially is the worst first night to camp,
unless you bring a headlamp.